How To Handle Critical Feedback
by defaulting to curiosity
The majority of writing on the subject of feedback tends to focus on the act of providing feedback. Whilst that is obviously important, for every person who is giving feedback, someone else is receiving it. That’s our focus today.
One of the challenges many of us have with feedback conversations is our natural tendency to want to be liked and to want to come across as an easy-going, agreeable kind of person. Conversations where there is a bit of disagreement or conflict are in tension with this tendency.
Three Questions
If you find yourself emotionally triggered during a feedback conversation, it’s important to slow down, get curious and ask yourself 3 questions…
What’s the story I’m telling myself?
What’s the actual feedback - the observation and its impact?
What do I feel?
The Story
Let’s start with the first one - what’s the story I’m telling myself?
Are you thinking of yourself as a victim? Are you playing down your role and amplifying others’ roles? Try to consider how you may have contributed to the issue, even if it’s because you didn’t act or say something that could have helped.
Are you thinking of yourself as powerless in the situation? How would you behave if you were really invested in the outcome?
Are you thinking of the other person or people involved as villains? Are you assuming that they have bad motives?
If you were to assume good intentions - that the other people are decent, professional and kind humans, just like you - what would change about your story?
The Actual Feedback
With the story explored, we’re ready for the second question - what’s the actual feedback?
After the conversation, it can be easy to distort what was said because our memories are not like recording devices.
One way to make sure you’ve really heard and understood the feedback is to simply write down what was said.
To extend this idea a little further, consider keeping a feedback journal. This could be as simple as a spreadsheet noting the giver, date & time, observation, impact and coaching. Having a log of feedback like this…
Helps you spot patterns
Gives you inspiration for your development goal planning
Can give you a boost on a bad day (when you could use a bit of praise)
The Feelings
The first two questions allow you to refine your map of what’s going on. Once you have that refined map, it’s time for the third question - what do I feel?
If difficult feelings like frustration or disappointment occur, one way we can deal with them is by acknowledging and naming them.
It can be helpful to use the phrase “I notice I’m feeling X”. You might just say this to yourself internally or in some situations it can be helpful to say it aloud as it’s a signal to the other person that the conversation may need to slow down or pause.
Vice versa, you can also ask the other person for a timeout so you can step away and come back when you’re in control of your emotions again.
Many of us struggle with emotional literacy - with finding a name for our feelings - so that everything isn’t just ‘frustration soup’. You can use our version of the emotions wheel to help refine what you’re feeling.
The Science
Going deeper, it can be useful to have a basic understanding of the neurochemistry involved here. Very briefly…
Our bodies react to criticism by treating it like a threat. We produce higher levels of cortisol - activating conflict aversion and protection behaviors. We become more reactive and sensitive. In this state, we often perceive greater negativity than actually exists. These effects can last for over 26 hours, negatively imprinting the interaction on our memories.
Our bodies react to praise by producing higher levels of oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’). This elevates our ability to communicate, collaborate and trust others. Oxytocin metabolizes more quickly than cortisol, so its effects are comparatively less dramatic and long-lasting.
These are two of the aeons-old systems in play when you’re trying to navigate feedback as a rational, professional human being. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t like or fully understand your reactions in the moment.
One Signal
Above all, remember that each piece of feedback is merely one signal and it’s important to keep it in perspective, as such. You have to process it like any other signal - using your instincts, available knowledge, powers of analysis and powers of investigation. Often, you’ll want to correlate the signal from one person with the signals from others to make sure you have the best possible read of a situation.
Learn more about our feedback workshop for teams or get in touch if you’d like our coaching support.